


What goes with trust

by hali



Series: Trust issues [1]
Category: Criminal Minds
Genre: Character Study, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-09-22
Updated: 2012-09-23
Packaged: 2017-11-14 20:00:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 8,795
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/518985
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hali/pseuds/hali
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Derek loves Reid but he has serious trust issues. And he isn't the only one who does.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Morgan loves Reid. He knows it, his team knows it, and eventually even Spencer figures it out. But neither Morgan himself, nor his team, nor Reid - especially not Reid - knows what kind of love it is.

Morgan gets it one day, when he is expecting it the least. Sometimes you know everything you need to understand the truth, but you miss just one little detail that stops you from that... until you finally get it and then your life changes instantly and irreversibly. You cannot return to where you were just a moment ago, and you cannot pretend you are still there.

Morgan gets it when he sees Spencer on that cemetery, dirty and bruised, hurt badly but still alive. He so fully gets it, that for few minutes he goes autopilot. He smiles, he moves, he looks, but he is out of reality for a good half an hour.

Morgan is used to prove to the whole world each and every minute that he is strong, brave and reliable. He needs to always know he is in control. He just can't go without it. The truth is, deep in his own mind he is still a thirteen years old boy hiding his face in a pillow and trying not to think about what's happening. Deep in his own heart he still feels like an ugly pathetic coward, helpless and unworthy. He needs to look perfect. A perfect son, a perfect brother, a perfect friend, a perfect cop, a perfect psychologist... he worked hard to be all this, and he damn earned it. He almost convinced himself he is worthy of his family, his friends and his job. But sometimes... sometimes he makes mistakes. And then everything crashes, his perfectly built reality goes crazy, and Morgan is desperately afraid that one day everyone will look through his damaged false facade of perfection and see him for who he really is, and after that no one will ever look at him with affection again. He is afraid of this so much, that he is trying not to think about it at all.

Morgan works in BAU for too long now, he cannot avoid analysing his own issues. He studied them over and over again, he knows what's within him, he knows why he thinks and feels what he thinks and feels, and he also knows how wrong it is. It doesn't help. Knowing doesn't always mean fixing. Some things you cannot fix. You have to live with them. And so he does. He detaches himself from everyone as much as he can. No serious relationships. No heart to heart friendly discussions, if they are not absolutely necessary. He knows what he's doing and how to do it, a good psychologist that he is. Serious relationships mean trust. Not the kind of trust he has for his colleagues for the job they are doing. He learned to trust them with his life, and eventually he even learned to trust them with lives of others. But serious relationships mean different sort of trust. To entrust somebody his heart, his soul, his whole self - that's not something Morgan can do. He has successfully tricked a whole world for years. He's trying himself not to look at the desperately weeping boy in his heart. He is the only one knowing that boy. He, and maybe Carl Bufford. Morgan isn't sure he can survive adding a third someone to this coterie.

Morgan loves Reid. This is hard to miss and stupid to deny. He looks after his younger colleague, he patronizes him, he covers his back, he talks about him with his family. He worries when Reid is in danger or shows up obviously not sleeping the night before, with dark eyes and a little coffee in his sugar. All of this could have been a normal thing for their team. After all they do look after each other a lot. But here's what's definitely not normal: a pleasure Morgan finds in Reid's company; a habit of messing with his hair; admiration mixed with a lot of tenderness; a need to see or at least hear Reid each and every day; a strong desire to be with him outside of work; a mind blowing fear to lose him or to see him gotten hurt... Morgan doesn't believe it's possible for him to have an ordinary life. But if he did, he would have wanted to spend it with Reid. He would have loved to cook together and to eat together, to laugh over funny movies and to critic bad ones, to watch Sci-Fi TV shows and Polish art-house, to drive all the way to Chicago or Las Vegas for a weekend and to fight over music choices, to walk, to shop, to do everything they want to do. Together. He would have loved to hug Spencer and to tell him as many times, as he needs to hear, that he isn't a freak or anything, that he is the most ravishing, kind-hearted, brilliant and lovely human being Morgan knows. That Reid is the best thing that has ever happened to him.

When Morgan understands that his love for Reid isn't the one for a brother or a friend, it scares the hell out of him. Reid shouldn't know, he must never know, and it isn't easy to hide such a feeling from a team of profilers. His only hope is their old agreement not to profile each other, and also the fact that one of few Reid's weaknesses is his inability to understand what people feel for him. Reid is used not to count on others' affection for him. Life hit him hard so many times, and it hurts Morgan just to think of it, but it actually gives him a chance of hiding the fact. That he loves Reid. Reid must never know. If he finds out it can only go two ways, and both are dangerous. First way it goes is Reid not loving him back. There will be awkwardness and distance, and of course they both will try to go on as if nothing happened, but Reid will know. And Reid isn't able to disguise from those he cares about. The other possibility is that Reid will love him back, and somehow that would be even worse, that would mean Morgan is done. Morgan can deal with his own feelings, but if there are two of them, they will lose to love for sure. And if they are closer even a bit more than they already are, one day Spencer will certainly understand what is Morgan really like. Derek doesn't know exactly how Reid will react, but he is terrified to find out. He is ashamed of his inner self and pities himself, and he isn't ready to let near him anyone, who can intentionally or unintentionally back him up with those feelings. He knows this is bullshit, he knows Reid wouldn't judge him, he knows it wasn't his fault - for God's sake, he was only a child back then! Of course he knows all of it, or he wouldn't be able to do his job. But this knowledge is nothing compared to the gut feelings: shame, pity, disgust, guilt. He can never feel worthy again.

Morgan detaches himself from Reid slowly, step after little step, he doesn't want anyone to notice. He avoids staying alone with Reid, chooses chair over sofa on a plane, most of the time he stops himself from touching. Reid in the mean time is fighting drugs and doesn't seem to care. Reid is fighting drugs on his own, because Morgan was too busy dealing with his discovery to pay attention, and when he finally notices how big is Spencer's drugs problem, Reid already closed himself from help. All they can do now is wait and believe he can get through it, while he fights his demons all alone.

Surprising as it is, Reid still trusts him. Morgan makes one mistake after another, he fails Reid again and again, but Reid never stops trusting him. He noticed a distance Morgan put between them, and probably got to completely wrong conclusions. He doesn't insist on informal everyday chats. But when Reid is in trouble, he still comes to Morgan, as if nothing happened. He calls for Morgan in his nightmares, he tells Morgan what Tobias did to him and what was it like to be him in school years. Reid visibly relaxes when he is near Morgan, trusts him to have his back and isn't surprised to find Morgan beside his hospital bed.

Sometimes they have those moments. Moments that don't belong. Moments of some other life, life they cannot have, life in which they spend evenings together and wake up in the same bed. All God damned anthrax case is this kind of moment, starting with Morgan running at the closed glass door and Reid saying "Sorry". "Sorry, I'm probably going to die. You cannot do anything, sorry. I'm sorry, but you are on your own now, Derek". This is how Morgan hears him. Nobody apologizes like this to colleagues or friends. And Reid actually doesn't have anything to apologize for - it was impossible to predict the situation, and he did the best he could, saving Morgan's life on the way. But he says "Sorry", because sometimes you say what you feel, and not what you think. Morgan can't forgive him. If Reid dies… well, he certainly wouldn't forgive that. He is willing to do anything and to sacrifice everything just to get Reid out of trouble, but this is exactly the case where nothing he can do or give away will help. So he manages to listen to Spencer's demand and to get back on the case. As soon as it is closed, he moves in to hospital and he doesn't leave until Spencer gets better. It's one of those special moments that don't belong, and he cannot, he is not able to stick to his "stay away from Reid" plan while it lasts.

When they leave the hospital behind, the distance is there again. Morgan in edgy and confused, he now knows that it is not that simple for Reid either. He knows that Reid has questions and that someday he will ask them out loud. After all it was Reid who said "Sorry" with such a look on his face, as if he was indeed Spock (you can't know Spencer for years and not watch Star Trek at some point). And then again, in a hospital, it also wasn't a bit normal. Morgan can't stop thinking about it. Their relationship is like a rubber band, they keep coming closer and closer to each other, and then suddenly they are once again so far away it hurts. Spencer must see it too. But he is thoughtful almost to the degree of being awkward, and he doesn't say anything. He lets Morgan keep the distance he is comfortable with without pushing away or being intrusive. He even lets it slide when Morgan panics (too close, too confused) and insists that he wouldn't sleep in the same room as Reid. They spend weeks and months like this, but Morgan never gets the courage to answer Reid's unspoken questions. Eventually he just pretends that there wasn't any "Sorry" between them.

Morgan loves Reid, but more often than not he isn't there on Reid's side when he is needed. It's hard to be there when most of your energy goes to trying to stay away without being suspicious. Its even harder because of Spencer's don't-bother-don't-pity-me attitude. Reid doesn't push him away, not at all. It's just that now he rarely makes it clear he has problems at all, and when he does, he goes to JJ, or Emily, or Hotch, sometimes to Garcia, and Morgan is sure that few times even Rossi got involved. "That's ok", thinks Morgan trying not to feel hurt. "That's great. Reid has someone he can rely on. We all need it not to break". And then Emily dies. Or so they think, and it blows their team from the inside, it rips them open, and it rips them apart. Morgan sinks in guilt. He tries to run from reality into caring on revenge plans. When he is back - when Emily is back - this is the moment he knows what happened. Reid went away from them. It doesn't seem as if there is a problem: no awkwardness, no accusations, no visible detachment… but Morgan knows, sees, feels that if anything happens, anything at all, Reid wouldn't come for help to any of them. He won't trouble Hotch or Garcia, he'll get round Rossi, he won't tell anything to JJ, he'll try to hide from Emily. And he will surely as hell avoid Morgan with a skill he acquired not so long ago. It seems that Reid understood and forgave what each of them had done, but to understand and to forgive isn't always enough. Some things you cannot fix. You have to live with them.

Morgan does try. He really does. He honors his friend's decision, and he knows that it's fair. And maybe it is for the best after all: if Reid doesn't count on him, he cannot fail his trust. And he failed Reid's trust so many times already… Morgan tries and he manages to succeed, but that doesn't last. When distance is maintained from both sides, everything should be easier, but somehow it's unbelievably hard. Now they don't have those special moments. They don't touch each other, unless it's necessary or accidentally. When they meet in an elevator or near a coffee machine, they say common phrases or stay silent. After Angel case, a case of a pedophile, Morgan keeps noticing worrying glances Reid is giving him now and then, but nothing is said out loud. Soon after Morgan returns to his usual peace of mind, glances stop.

He does try to keep away, but it gets harder every day. It's only now that Morgan realizes how much he needs Reid: his trust, his smiles, their small talks, their innocent touches and most of all - their special moments. It's like when there isn't enough oxygen in the air. It's enough for surviving but it's still not enough to live, so body goes to a sleep mode. There isn't enough Reid in Morgan's air. Morgan can't go on like this, he feels awful in a sleep mode because it's where he is face to face with himself. He needs Reid, but he honors his decision, and he isn't going to make his life harder than it is. And he is still too afraid to make that leap of faith and let someone near him anyway.

One evening after a long week on a bad Las Vegas case Morgan forgets keys to his house in the office. He is standing beside his own door and starting to remember, how he emptied his pockets searching for a poker chip for Henry, and then got distracted and went home leaving his keys on a desktop. It would be easy to spend a night in a hotel, but Clooney is barking impatiently on the other side of the door and tomorrow is Saturday, so unless an urgent case arises, he will still need to go to the office for the keys. With this in mind Morgan turns around, goes to his car and drives back. In an empty half dark room he finds his keys and Reid, who took this case worse than anyone. Vegas is always hard on him, but this time it's even harder. It's like someone put an invisible poisoned needle in his body, and Reid doesn't even try to rip it out anymore.

Reid sleeps in a chair with his long legs crossed and his palms on his lap. Morgan silently watches him, drinks the view while noticing dark circles, caused by the lack of sleep, and a defensive posture, and a mark from glasses on his nose. He doesn't know why Reid didn't go home. Maybe he was too tired for that. Maybe he sleeps better here. Maybe it's an autopilot - like that time with Gideon, when for a few weeks Reid stayed in office now and then, sitting over unfinished game, as if hoping that his chess partner would eventually come back. But that time nobody came. Today Morgan came, but for his keys, not for Reid. "Reid is lonely", - Morgan realizes suddenly. At the end despite of their family-like team bounds Reid is desperately, hopelessly lonely. Morgan clenches his teeth and breaths slowly and deeply to calm down. He walks on the brink. Reid shouldn't know, he doesn't deserve this on top of his own problems. Morgan wishes he was able to help him without crossing boundaries of a friendship, but he doesn't think it's possible. He aches to wake up the guy and to ask what's happening, to demand to know it, to shake it out, if necessary, and to back him up in whatever mess he's got himself into. But Reid can't know. Morgan hates himself. He shakes his head and is almost out of the room, when Reid starts talking in his sleep. Reid calls: "Morgan", - and it's so sudden and so familiar, that a hot wave goes through him, while he is remembering. "No, Morgan, don't leave", - calls Reid. Derek goes back, and leans over chair, and shakes a sleeper, trying to wake him up. Reid instantly opens his eyes but doesn't fully wake up. He tries to escape, and breathes heavily, and mumbles: "No, Derek, you have to stay, don't leave". Morgan can't fight this. He sits at the armrest, pulls Reid closer and doesn't allow him to move his hands. He says: "It's ok, Reid, I'm here, you are gonna be ok, calm down now". He continues to talk until Reid stops fighting and mumbling. Morgan relaxes his grip a bit, but doesn't let go and continues to gently pat Reid's back. After a long time they are finally having their special moment once again. Morgan can't persuade himself to break the spell. Not today, not after a week in Las Vegas, not after realizing how lonely Reid really is, not after he called for him in his nightmare.

Reid is the first to push himself off. He stares at his colleague's shoulder and asks wary:  
"Morgan? What are you doing here?"  
"Forgot my keys, had to come back."  
Reid hems, closes his eyes and leans back in a chair.  
"Sorry. It's been a long week."  
"Reid…"  
"Did you find your keys?"  
Morgan stumbles and looks on a tired man in a chair, who seems to be on a verge of a nervous breakdown, and he doesn't know what to say to help him or at least not to hurt him. He doesn't work in BAU for nothing, but Reid closed up on him a long time ago. Morgan is scared to do something wrong, but he cannot just leave now. Morgan feels that by leaving he would betray Reid, and maybe this time he will disappoint him enough to lose what's left of his trust. Even if Reid himself wouldn't know it. Morgan stays. He says quietly and gently what his friend seems to want to leave alone.  
"You called for me in your dream."  
Reid tenses.  
"Did I?"  
"You did. You asked me not to leave. Whatever it is I was doing in your dream, forgive me."  
"I don't remember that dream", lies Reid. "Anyway, there is no need to apologize, it's ok. Thank you for waking me up."  
"That won't do… talk to me, man. What's going on with you?"  
Reid sighs and doesn't answer. He still refuses to open his eyes, as if it makes their conversation less real, as if it makes Morgan less real. And Morgan doesn't like it at all. He gathers the courage and goes for it.  
"Look, I failed you, I get it. I don't have the right to ask for honesty or trust, and you have all the reasons to keep your problems to yourself. But Reid, please don't punish yourself. If you need something - anything! - I can't promise I will always help, or I'll always be there, but I promise to do my best. You don't have to deal with this alone, whatever this is."  
Reid opens his eyes at the middle of the second sentence and looks puzzled and confused.  
"I think you got it wrong", he finally says, "or maybe I got something wrong. What are you talking about, Derek?"  
"You are in pain. I want to help." - Explains Morgan as simple, as he can.  
Reid looks away and crosses his hands.  
"You don't have to do this, you know. I'll be fine by Monday. But that's not what I asked."  
Morgan hardly keeps himself from hiding his face in his palms, and even more - from hugging Reid and explaining him once and forever what he does and doesn't have to do. Edgy. Reid waits for an answer. Derek is tired of controlling his every word, so he says:  
"I apologize for running from you. I'm nothing but a funky idiot, and I don't deserve your trust. I was an awful friend to you, but until someone who is worthy appears, please, Reid, talk at least to me. You are not fine. You haven't been fine since long time ago."  
"You are running from me", - is the only thing Reid says, and it's like he is more confirming it to himself than actually asking.  
"Yeah… I mean, no! Crap… Reid, it's not from you, it's from…"  
"…my issues. You don't need to say it. Really. I get it, and it doesn't make you an awful friend. It's ok."  
"It's not ok. I know that I deserve this, but if you think so, nothing is ok. God, Spencer… I'm sorry, you hear me? I don't run from you, and I don't run from your issues or whatever. What I do run from are my own issues and my own fears. I run so fast I make mistakes on almost every step. Don't argue please, I was a crappy friend to you this last year. But I'm here right now. And I would very much like to help you with anything I can."  
Morgan is waiting for a long time, while Reid is looking at him and obviously thinking over something. Finally Reid answers with what Morgan certainly doesn't expect to hear.  
"Can I sleep over at your place?" - asks Reid. Moment later he is embarrassed and looks other way, while explaining. "You doesn't have to let me. It would make me feel better, but if that's inconvenient, it's ok, and I mean it."  
Morgan isn't sure, if he should be happy or terrified, but he bravely goes with "happy" and stands up.  
"Of course you can."  
Reid gives him a shy smile and also rises.  
"Keys?"  
"Got it."  
They don't say another word, until they get into car.


	2. Chapter 2

After they hit the road, Reid starts talking.  
"I feel like I'm fading away."  
Morgan glances at him worryingly but says nothing and waits for him to continue.  
"My mother didn't recognize me this week. That's the third time in a row. Statistically schizophrenia hits at the age of twenty five to forty. I'm thirty already. I don't know, how much longer I have. And besides me being an FBI agent I've done nothing in my life that does matter. Outside of our job, outside of what we do, who am I, Morgan? If I go crazy, if I disappear, not even my own mother will notice."  
Morgan clings to the wheel desperately and thinks that he's an idiot. And that Reid is an idiot too. Looks like they are a perfect match in this regard at least... Reid is the only one who could have possibly thought of something like this. And the worst thing is, he had all the reasons to do so. He isn't so wrong, if you look without emotions. Everyone in BAU knows how to forget, or they would all be broken long time ago. All of them noticed Ell's resigning and Gideon's disappearing. All of them missed heavily, when JJ went to Washington. All of them grieved, when Emily "died". But each time world kept spinning, and if Emily would have stayed dead, they would have moved on eventually. If Reid disappears, of course they will notice. Of course they will miss him. But sooner or later they'll get used to his absence. They will lock thoughts about him into the darkest corner of their memory, and they will move on. That is but one small, though crucial, exception.  
"I'll notice", says Morgan.  
Reid starts to explain, what he meant, and how Morgan didn't get it right, but Morgan interrupts him and says ones again plain and heavily.  
"I will notice."  
And then he continues without giving Reid a chance to comment on that.  
"You won't disappear. Whatever happens, you will not disappear, Spencer. I won't let it."  
"If I go crazy…"  
"Even if you go crazy."  
"Will you visit me in an asylum?" - Reid asks half joking.  
But Morgan surprises even himself by answering seriously.  
"Nope. I will live with you."  
"Ahaha", says Reid, "that was funny. Look, I really appreciate your support, but it's kind of too much."  
"That's my house", says Morgan stopping the car. He doesn't think it's funny. He doesn't know, what exactly he thinks, but it certainly isn't "funny". If only he knew, what's Reid got on his mind, if only he wasn't so busy with his own issues, if only he looked more carefully… Morgan loves Reid. And since the moment he got it, he's been a complete asshole to him. It's a miracle Reid even talks to him, and not just talks but tries to be closer. Morgan isn't blind, he saw it since the beginning, and he was always happy with it, until he made it into a problem. Looks like Reid sincerely considers Morgan a good friend. That's what man thinks a good friend is like. That's what kind of friends he has.

Clooney barks happily again, second time this evening. Reid wisely takes that as a hint to stop few steps from the doorstep and give a master and his pet time to dwell on the meeting. Morgan opens the door, disables an alarm and catches the dog, who literally jumps onto him. Few minutes are given completely to Clooney, and then he finally comes inside, turns on the light and invites Reid inside. Clooney is curious, he sniffs a guest, and wags his tail in a friendly manner (currently he is happy and thus friendly to the whole world), and offers his ear to tease. Reid obediently caresses him, and teases the ear, and relaxes, and starts smiling without even noticing. Morgan silently praises the Heavens and his furry friend and leaves to kitchen to make a tea. It's almost midnight already.

When he's back with two cups of chamomile tea, he founds Reid on a carpet in front of a couch with his hands buried in Clooney's fur. Morgan looks questionably and Reid shrugs.  
"I thought that maybe he isn't allowed on a couch."  
"Oh, he isn't. Not that he lets it stop him when he's by himself. Here, take the tea."  
Reid accepts the cup and moves to a couch, paying attention not to spit his hot drink. Morgan sits next to him. He drinks his tea and tries to find the right words. After few minutes he gives up and simply says it.  
"I meant every word, you know. You won't disappear. You exist outside of work, Reid. You sure as hell do exist."  
"You can't know it", quietly answers Reid. "You don't know me outside of work."  
"Are you sure?"  
Reid plays with his cup and doesn't say anything. Morgan once again wonders, how did he (all of them, actually, but most of all he) missed it, and what should he do about it now.  
"Listen, Reid… Spencer… you know that I know a lot about you, that has nothing to do with work. And I also know that's not what you mean. But you have to trust me on this, buddy. I know you. Not a colleague, not a genius Dr. Reid, but you. If you leave the team, I would miss you. I would miss you like crazy. Not your knowledge, not your ability to make a picture out of seemingly unrelated facts, though I would miss those too, and not the jokes and stories you tell. You. Like I missed you last couple of months."  
"What do you mean?"  
"Yeah, I missed you, and I don't think I am the only one. You are here physically, but it feels like you are thousands miles away."  
"You never told…"  
"Well, I tell it now. I thought you needed some time to be alone, that it would be good for you. But looks like I screwed up again, didn't I?"  
Reid glances over the room, and purses his lips, and then he answers - annoyed and almost angry.  
"I don't need your pity. It doesn't affect my job, so you don't have to try and fix me."  
Morgan shakes his head and places his cup on a table.  
"Spencer, look at me."  
It doesn't happen right away, but eventually Reid manages to do it. Large pupils, dark circles on a pale skin, stubbornly pursed lips… He is on the verge of a breakdown. He is so afraid to believe in what he hears. "My trust keeps getting thrown back to my face", - Morgan remembers one of their conversations from long time ago. "I never told anyone", - another one. And then, "Sorry". You have to offer trust to get some in return.  
"I love you."  
Reid is stunned and Morgan holds his breath while he waits for this genius boy with eidetic memory to put together all the small details, all their special moments, all the words left unsaid. Reid doesn't fail him. He places his cup on a table and grabs his head. He asks hollowly:  
"And when exactly did you plan on telling me?"  
"Never. I wasn't going to tell you at all."  
"Why? No, that's not it… why now?"  
"Really, that's your question?"  
Reid keeps quiet and Morgan is forced to answer.  
"Because it looks like you are doing even worse by yourself, than I thought you would do with me telling you. Because I can't watch you killing yourself and do nothing 'cause of my fear of consequences. I don't wait for you to return my feelings, that has nothing to do with it, please try to understand this. It's just that if you disappear, I will notice. It's selfish, but I need you in my life, Spencer. No matter what. And I did miss you, you have no idea…"  
Reid hems and drops his hands and meets Derek's gaze once again.  
"I think I know what you mean, actually. But I don't know what else to say. Sorry."  
"Don't you apologize", says Morgan. "Now, do you trust what I said earlier?"  
"Yeah", Reid answers with a faint smile, "it makes sense now. Lots of things are. Except why do you need it at all. I'm a big mess, Derek. You were absolutely right to avoid me."  
"I was an idiot, and now you are trying to be one. Stop that."  
"But it's true! You've chosen the worst possible person to fall in love with! A person who is a drug addict and a potential schizophrenic with a lot of unrelated psych issues, regular nightmares, high level of social awkwardness and some really strange hobbies. I've got nothing to offer."  
"You don't have to offer anything", explains Morgan as gently as he can. "I love you. That is with all of your issues and hobbies. It's how it works, ok? You don't have to do a thing, just know that if you need something - anything! - I'm always here for you. Now, that you know, I won't hide anymore. I won't leave you alone. Unless you would want me to... How are you?"  
"I honestly don't know, - says Reid after a bit, - is it ok, if I answer this question tomorrow?"  
Morgan nods, and gets up, and goes to get a pillow, and a towel, and few blankets. It was a long time since anybody spent a night in this house, if that ever happened at all. "That's nice that a couch is big enough", thinks Morgan. "It's nice that Clooney likes Reid. It's nice that Reid has his overnight bag with him. And it's really nice he didn't run away after my confession".  
"Bathroom is near the kitchen. If you wake up first, don't be shy and make yourself at home. Oh, and Clooney sometimes goes outside at night, don't let him worry you."  
Reid nods and looks at him with unreadable expression on his face.  
"I'll be in a room next to you, wake me up if you need anything."  
"Derek… thank you."  
"Good night, Spencer."  
"Good night."

Morgan cannot fall to sleep for two more hours. He listens to the silence filled with Clooney's steps in the next room and with leaves whispering outside. He tries to analyze the situation he got them into. He spent years staying away from Reid, and the reasons he did so are still here. Most important thing right now is to help Reid, and he wouldn't be able to do this if he stayed away, but that doesn't mean he is not scared. Not that he can show it. It's crucial to look as sure as he can in what he says and does. Well, good thing is, he is totally sure in what he said today, and he hopes it would be enough, because he has no idea what to do next. He can only gowith the flow and hope that Spencer would take a risk of trusting him with his troubles.

When he wakes up, sun is shining brightly. It's already ten, and it's suspiciously quiet in the house. Usually at this time Clooney already waits for him by the door and scratches the floor as if saying: "Come on, if you are here, let's play". Morgan yawns and climbs out of bed. In the living room he sees an utterly adorable picture. Reid sleeps, hiding his face in a pillow, and his palm lays exactly on Clooney's back, because guess who is lying in front of the couch. The dog lifts his head and looks questionably, obviously trying to decide, if he should stay and lay down for a bit more, or if he better go welcome his master. At the end he leaves his place and slowly moves to Morgan, who hems and bends over to pet him. Reid continues to sleep. He sleeps while Morgan is taking a shower (Clooney eats his breakfast). He sleeps while Morgan is eating his breakfast (Clooney snorts impatiently). He sleeps while Morgan is getting rid of Clooney self-walkings' results for four days he's been away (Clooney plays the ball and barks at birds happily). And only after the dog bursts into the house (Morgan did try to stop him, but he failed), Reid opens his eyes and stretches sleepily.  
"Good morning?" - Morgan can't keep from smiling.  
"Morning. What exactly did you put into my tea?" - asks Reid suspiciously, while looking at his watch, and sits.  
"Nothing Garcia wouldn't approve."  
"Somehow that doesn't sound reassuring. But if your tea always has this effect, you must tell me the secret. I don't remember the last time I slept longer, than five hours in a row." - Smiles Reid.  
"I'm glad it did you good, pretty boy", Morgan laughs, and then only he notices, how have he just called Reid. It's nothing special, he used it on him dozen times, and also it's not untrue. Spencer is pretty, especially now - after a good sleep, relaxed and smiling. But in the context of their talk last evening… least of all Morgan wants to add on awkwardness. It's far from normal as it is.  
Reid however just raises his brow skeptically, hems and lets it slide.  
"Can I use your shower?"  
"Sure. And I'll find something to eat. Do you still have spare cloth with you?"  
Reid thinks for a second about what he has in his overnight bag and then nods.  
"Yes, I do. I'll be back soon."

Fifteen minutes later - soon enough - Reid walks into the kitchen, barefooted and with his hair still wet. Clooney is outside, and Morgan sits at the table and hypnotizes a box of cereal and a bottle of milk. Reid gets sitted across him.  
"Fridge is empty", complains Morgan, trying not to look at the water drop finding its way across his guest's neck and under the shirt. "It's a miracle I still have milk left. I'd say that usually I'm a better host, but usually I don't have guests over breakfast, so I can't really compare.  
Reid in the meantime fixes himself a mix of cereal and milk."  
"Well, actually it is a normal breakfast. Forty nine percent of Americans start their day with cereal. It's sold more often then cigarettes, though milk is sold even more often. Also most of the cereal is unhealthy, though if you choose whole ones, you can actually reduce risk of diabetes and heart decease."  
"I'm afraid these are unhealthy ones."  
"For us it doesn't matter anyway", answers Reid seriously. "Cereal can't make it worse with the amount of coffee we drink. Speaking of coffee…"  
"No coffee in my house. Tea?"  
"Yes, please. Will it make me sleepy again?"  
"Not this one. You do know about Hibiscus tea, right?"  
"It's a national drink in Egypt, Sudan, countries of Latin America and few other places. It's red, it is made of Hibiscus sabdariffa flower, contains lots of vitamins and minerals, proved to reduce systolic blood pressure and to strengthen the immune system in general. And it's not really a tea, which is a common misconception, it's a herbal drink made of..."  
Reid stumbles, when he hears Morgan chuckling at him.  
"Yes, I do know about it. Sorry for talking so much."  
"Hmm? You never apologized for that before", says Morgan while setting a kettle.  
"I was never at your place before", answers Reid, "and this makes me nervous."  
Morgan turns around and looks at him. And then he asks, trying not to sound intrusive.  
"Is it because of the place, or because of what I said yesterday? I won't take it back, but if it makes you uncomfortable…"  
"That's not it", Reid stops him, "I mean that matters too, but 'uncomfortable' is the wrong word. 'Unusual' would be a better choice. It's because you let me in. Into your house, into your life, you know… and I don't want to be a hippopotamus."  
"Excuse me?"  
"A hippopotamus in an antique store, just imagine that. And also I don't have any experience in this… thing. No one ever told me that… no one ever said he is in love with me. Not really. I don't know how to react, what are right and wrong things to do and ask, and how do I not hurt you… I don't even know myself yet, what I feel. Because I care for you, Derek, I care for you a lot, and you know it, but… I'm not used to having you around again. And I'm afraid, that I'm confusing a joy of having you here again with something bigger."

Awkward silence is broken with a click of the kettle. Morgan silently makes the tea, puts the cup in front of his guest and sits across the table.  
"Look… all I want is to help you, not to add problems on your list. Don't try to guess the right thing, just be yourself, ok? Ask what you want, do what you want. And if anything in my actions or words makes you uncomfortable, you tell it to me. I'm serious, Spencer. It wouldn't hurt me, but if I upset you, and you won't tell me to stop, so I end up upsetting you even more - now that would definitely hurt me. So you just be yourself. What's on your mind right now?"  
For the next eight seconds Reid plays with his cup, and thinks, and then he meets Derek's eyes.  
"Few things, actually. First of all I think that I'm glad you forgot your keys yesterday. Second, I'm trying to figure out, who takes care of Clooney, when you are not here, because it can't be neighbors, or you would have just taken the spare key from them. And also I'm not sure what did I do to deserve you, but since it happened, I'll try to be honest with both of us. I need to go home, but I would like to return and spend one more night here, if that's ok with you. The thing is, I can't sleep very well last few months, and it's the worst when I'm at home. Even hotels, when we are on a case, are better. And this night… I don't think it was the tea that helped me. I feel safe with you. So if that's not too intrusive…"  
"My couch is your couch", says Morgan solemnly. He decides to think over what Reid just said at a later time. "You can stay as long as you want. I promise to be a decent host and not to try to take advantage of the situation. Oh, and I'll get some food so we won't have to continue on the cereal only diet."  
"I could buy some food on my way back", Reid suggests.  
"Then I'll leave it to you. And about Clooney… he is his own dog, a true child of new century. Come on, let me show you."

Morgan proudly demonstrates automatic dog drinker and feeder that are set near to a door leading to a back yard. The door itself has a dog door in it with a magnetic lock reacting to Clooney's collar. A fence around the yard finishes the picture.  
"He walks himself, he feeds himself. As you can see, he doesn't really need me aside from wanting a play pal."  
"That's great". Reid is sincerely amazed by automatics. "And that means he really really loves you not because you feed him, but because it's you. I mean he would have loved you for you anyway, but now you know that for sure."  
"Yeah, that crossed my mind once or twice."  
"Great", Reid says again, "can I hug you?"  
He waits for Morgan to nod, and then he really hugs him - awkwardly and almost too light to notice. Morgan sighs and pulls him closer for a few seconds, pressing his face to a still wet hair. He lets Reid go the moment he feels him pushing away.  
"What was that for?"  
"That was an impulse. I'm trying to use your advice and be myself without thinking about rights and wrongs."  
"I like it", Morgan says. "I really like your impulses. Please do continue. I have a lot of good advice to share."  
Reid chuckles and returns to the kitchen for a tea he left there earlier.

With a cup in his hand he slowly goes over the room studying furniture, books on the shelves, sport awards… an then he stops in front of few photos with friends, colleagues and family. Reid has never met most of these people, but he guesses who they are, he almost recognizes them from what he already knows of Derek's life. Their team is also here, pictures taken in different moments with different team members. He sees Ell, and gloomy for whatever reason Gideon, and happy Hotch - that's the first year after Jack was born. There is also a picture with Garcia with her forever crazy hairstyle smiling next to Derek. There are pictures of JJ, Emily and Reid, and all of them are more than three years old - Spencer can determine it by details. The last one has smiling Rossi and tired Hotch, who looks over his shoulder to whoever is taking the picture. None of the photos capture Morgan as a child.  
Morgan silently watches him from the couch. They agreed not to analyze each other, but they broke that promise so many times already - each of them… Morgan knows what information about him Reid can get out of his house, his yard, the thickness of the dust layer on the photos. It's nothing Reid doesn't already know. And it's nothing he couldn't have asked, if he wanted to. Reid finishes his tea, and it's only then that he breaks the silence.  
"It's been seven years."  
Morgan whists for few seconds before he says quietly, more to himself than as an answer.  
"Yeah."  
"I wonder what would it be like in another seven years."  
Morgan hems indefinitely and shrugs. He doesn't like to guess a future. Predictions are rarely correct with their job. His only hope is that all of them would still be alive and more or less healthy, and if they would still work together as a team - that's really more than he can count on.  
Reid goes home, but he's back by evening with some food and few movies. They don't talk serious stuff anymore that day, giving themselves time to adjust. At Sunday Reid leaves and the next time they meet each other is at work.

Life goes on, slowly changing in almost unnoticeable details. Reid smiles more and frowns because of migraines less, and he stops drinking so much coffee. Morgan stops working late for no reason and keeps closer to Reid. They argue about some bollocks in an elevator and throw friendly jokes at each other now and then. More and more often as time goes on Reid stops Morgan in the office doors and asks him always the same question: "Is your couch available tonight?". The couch is always available, but Reid asks anyway, and Morgan never says "No". Sometimes they switch their roles, and it is Morgan who says something like "Clooney misses you", or "hey, I got this movie", or straightforward "come tonight". Reid also never says "No". He knows the alarm code, he has a spare key for Morgan's door, his toothbrush found its place in Morgan's bathroom long time ago, and Clooney really got used to him, and none of them knows, when all of this started being normal. But what they don't talk about anymore is love.

They both have nightmares. It's different each time it happens. Sometimes Reid screams, and Morgan wakes him up and stays with him, until he calms down. Sometimes Reid goes outside right after he wakes up, and he sits on the porch by himself, while Morgan lies in his bed and wishes it was his turn, because Spencer certainly doesn't deserve that. When Morgan is the one having nightmares, most of the time he is quiet, and Reid doesn't notice. In his dream Morgan knows he should be quiet, he should be a good boy. Sometimes when he finally awakes, he goes to the living room and sits there on the floor listening to Reid's breath and remembering, that he has a different life now, that past is only a past. Other times - when nightmares are because of the job - Reid wakes him up. In the darkness he seems unreal, but his weight on Derek's shoulders is the most real thing in the world. They never say each other that it wold be fine. But they say over and over again as some kind of spell: "I'm here", - and somehow it works.

One night Morgan wakes Reid up from another nightmare, and Reid clings to his hand and refuses to let go. Morgan sits on the edge of the couch and pets Reid's hair - that always seemed to calm him down. Reid looks at him with his eyes dark and pupils dilated, and then he raises himself up and pulls Morgan closer, and he presses his lips over Morgan's. Morgan is stunned for few seconds, because he didn't expect that, but then he grabs Reid, and he kisses him with a need that scares him. Reid however doesn't look scared at all, he answers with the same need and enthusiasm, and when they stop to breath, no one has any questions, and no one hesitates. They both look at each other dazedly and go for another kiss. Another piece of the puzzle they've been trying to solve for so many years goes into place.

Morgan, despite of what anybody would think, doesn't do experiments in bed, he has only had sex with women before. He is far from being homophobic, but that's how it is. At the end, it doesn't really matter, because it's Reid, and with Reid it's different from all he could have had earlier. It's like a first time for everything. First kiss, first time skin to skin, first time they are having sex… they don't hurry, they listen carefully to each other, they try desperately not to hurt each other, and they succeed.

Reid, despite of what anybody would think, isn't shy in bed. At least, not in bed with Morgan. Maybe he thinks that his potential lack of sexual appeal can't matter more than his lack of social skills or imperfections of his personality. Maybe he is used to being made fun of. Maybe he just doesn't know, that the first time with a new partner it's normal to be shy and to worry about making a good impression. Whatever the reason, Derek is glad, that Spencer doesn't close on him even here. It helps him not to listen to his inner voice, that says him again and again, that he would certainly screw it up, he would make everything go wrong and then… with Reid it's like a first time. Past can't touch what they have.

At first Reid tries to slip away to the couch, when they finish. He is made of elbows, ribs and knees, and he doesn't want to punch Morgan in his sleep, so that he would hate him by morning. At least that's what Reid says, and he looks pretty serious about it too. Morgan lets him go the first time out of surprise, and the next time he falls asleep before he can argue… but the third time he rolls his eyes and tells him not to be an idiot and to go back. Reid scrupulously repeats his speech, making a point that he did warn him, but he does go back to bed after all. Morgan hugs him with all of his knees and elbows, makes them both comfortable and kisses Reid's shoulder. As expected, that makes a genius go silent. But when Derek is almost asleep, Reid suddenly says:  
"I think I love you."  
"Hmm?" - Morgan comments it before he can realize what exactly has he just heard.  
"I definitely love you", repeats Reid, obviously taking it for a sign of approval. "My emotional state has been stabilized for a long time now, and I also analyzed everything few times to be sure. That's not a simple need of being close to anyone, that's not a fan-like love for an idol and as we both know, that's not a purely friendly feeling. So…"  
Morgan, who by this point is as awake as he can ever be, is torn apart between few possible reactions. He can panic, because now it's official, and he has no way out, and that's exactly, what he was afraid of for so many years. He can laugh, because, honestly, Reid is absolutely adorable with his analysis in a situation like this. And he can kiss him, because this is suddenly one of the best and the happiest moments in his life. He goes with number three. When he pulls away after a long tender kiss, Reid still cups his face in his palms. Reid looks at him as if searching for something, and then he says as heavily as if at least the fate of the world is on stake.  
"I love you, Derek."  
"And I love you", says Morgan back with the same serious attitude.  
Reid smiles happily. For few seconds Morgan tries to remember, what did he run from all these years, and then he lets it go. Looks like while he was saving Reid, Reid somehow managed to save him. Morgan hugs his lover tight and goes to sleep calm and happy. They won't disappear.

**Author's Note:**

> Hey guys. Please be aware that English isn't my native language. This is actually a translation from Russian of my own fic... so there may be some stylistic errors like "You don't actually say this like that in real life" or punctuation issues. I would be very grateful for anyone pointing me to them.


End file.
